First, the idea of marrying for love and romance is still a relatively new idea. In older generations (we're talking 1920's through the 1970's) one married for convenience or, in women's cases, one married for stability. But thanks to the sexual revolution in the '70s, and the movement towards women's equality, society shifted away from arranged marriages or "marriages of convenience" and towards marriage for the sake of love and romance. Now, most people in our generation would say this is a superb idea....
But is it really? (don't get your panties in a knot just yet.)
With the idea of marrying for love comes the advent of "the one," or the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In this frame of mind, it seems as if love is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if you miss it's subtle call or mess it up, it's lost forever. One strike you're out, buddy. It is my personal opinion that this is why people torture themselves by staying in relationships longer than they should, or by trying to get back together and make things work after they've already broken up. It's the idea that if you love someone, you make it work no matter what, regardless of the pain it causes you, regardless of all the issues that you face, and, ultimately, regardless of how unhappy you feel. Because as long as you're in love, it doesn't matter how much you change or sacrifice for the other person. In fact, the more sacrifice the better!
Note: I am all for working hard for a relationship; communication and conflict resolution don't come naturally to most couples. But simple aspects of a relationship like affection, being intimate, and wanting to spend time together shouldn't be work. It should happen naturally, without the added help of weight loss programs, biting your tongue, or any other alteration to your personality.
Finally, it has been my observation that the equation for the perfect girl or guy goes something like this: smart, funny, kind, and beautiful. Such simple, shallow adjectives, but they seem to be the most basic building blocks for what people look for in a mate. Don't lie, you've probably stated a desire for these qualities in a girlfriend/boyfriend at least one time or another, or maybe are still looking for the perfect combination of the four. But what do these words even mean? Smart...smarter than you? Smart enough to keep up with you? Smart enough to acknowledge you as the god/goddess of the universe and worship the ground you walk on? Or smart in the sense of style? Funny...what kind of humor? Dark? Dry? Slap stick? Sarcastic? Kind...to whom? Kindness towards all creatures, as in not stepping on or killing little bugs? Kindness towards oneself? And beautiful...need I even go there? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (cliche, but true).
The truth is, you can't know what you want from another person in a relationship until you know yourself. Only then can you deeply grasp the things that you need from another person to satisfy or fulfill you in the relationship. But knowing yourself is only the first step: being able to admit who you are, and what you need, is the next and by far the hardest step of all to take.
Why, you ask, is this so hard?
Well, if you lose "the one," your opportunity for love and happiness are gone, so you have to do all you can to keep that person and to make them happy.
So I take your view of love and raise you mine. Love is not finite. Love does not need to be validated by pain. Love does not understand time. Love does not judge whether or not you've "messed up." Love does not refuse to change, but flourishes and grows. Everyone is deserving of love, and therefore love does not discriminate. It's the people in love who act in these ways.
(Couldn't resist a Wicked plug here ^_^ -squealslikeasmallchid-)
Furthermore, whatever happened to the concept of "dating" to get to know the other person before jumping into a committed relationship? The practice of courtship and dalliance seems to be pretty much dead nowadays (cheers to those people out there who shake their fists and proudly proclaim "nuh uh!"). That, or people who test the waters before getting involved are considered "players." But there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know someone to see how well you get along. In my mind, the perfect romantic relationship occurs when the other person compliments you so well that you only need to be yourself around them to feel loved. That's it. So take the time to get past the rose colored glasses (while immensely enjoying the phase of puppy love where your beloved can do no wrong) and see if the other person really has what you need for a long-term relationship. Because only by letting your inner self show can that person who fits you most perfectly find you. Otherwise, how can you know if the pieces fit if they're not all on the table?
For example, there is a general "dating knowledge" (as I like to call it) which basically exists as a ton of guidelines for individuals starting a romantic relationship. Some of these guidelines go like this; "don't be clingy, you'll scare the other person away." If they're scared, let them run! Some people love that their partner can't keep their hands off of them. Or "don't put out on the first date, they'll think you're easy." (First of all, the only things "easy" should describe are how you like your eggs done, and what level you want your work-out to be at; never should it be placed on someone like a label.) The flip side of that is they might think you're not interested in them. "If he/she brings up some sexual act other than straight up peen to vag intercourse, you know he/she is a sex maniac" or "if she brings up anything other than scissoring, she's creepy"' or "if he brings up anything but straight (hah hah) up peen to butt sex, he's psycho." Note: having different sexual tastes does not equal sexual deviant. Go for it; some people like that kinky shit.
So basically, if you're a clingy person, be clingy and find that person you can sink your sticky little fingers into. Or, if you absolutely positively need your space to make a relationship work, be as detached as you need and find someone who can enjoy the distance in love and respect. If you're a sexual person who likes to get down on the first date, own it and make sure you find someone who can satisfy your sexual appetite. On the flip side, if you want to wait until marriage, own it just as hard and find someone who's happy to wait. And if you're into different sex acts, don't be afraid to speak up about it and find someone who either matches your interests or accepts you and loves you for it.
There, I said it. People are different, which means they require different things from a relationship. Don't be afraid to acknowledge who you are, own who you are, and stand up for what you need.
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