Breaking the connection

Recently, I have been going through the process of dealing with a failed romantic relationship (in case it hasn't already become apparent) and have been there for friends as they go through the same process. And as I go through it, and support others in the endeavor, I have started to wonder one thing: are people meant to break connections with one another?

It's such a painful process to lose someone. There are all sorts of emotions involved during grieving: anger, sadness, regret, hope, relief, and not in that particular order. But why do people put themselves through this agony? From an evolutionary psychology perspective, humans originally formed relationships as a means of survival. In reality, we are such vulnerable creatures with our soft, delicate skin, and oh so intimidating fingernails as weapons, that we rely on safety in numbers and that ability to care and look out for one another. So in a very primal sense breaking those connections means almost certain death. Are we hard wired to fear that loss so intensely that we'll do anything to prevent it, and feel as if we're broken when we lose that connection?

However, logically we have to realize that letting someone go (a friendship, a romantic relationship, for whatever reason) won't kill us. It may hurt like hell, but we'll survive. Once again going back to a previous post, as much as we acknowledge that it doesn't change the pain.

So then, why do people break connections with one another all the time?

We live in a society that focuses more on the individual instead of the group; an individualistic society versus collectivist. It follows that most relationships end to benefit either one or both parties. And even though both parties will most likely move on with their lives, that loss still marks its presence on both hearts.

So I believe this is my idea:

Don't be stupid enough to lose that connection.

Most people say they didn't see it coming when someone breaks up with them, or when a friend suddenly stops returning phone calls. Well guess what, the harsh reality is that there were most likely plenty of signs (except in those 10% of cases when it may have been out of the blue) and you simply failed to notice them. 

If a friend approaches you with a concern, don't brush them off and say, "it's no big deal," because it may not seem like a big deal to you but they wouldn't be bringing it up if it didn't bother them.

If a girlfriend / boyfriend brings up a particular behavior that bothers them and asks you to work on it, keep an open mind to what they are saying, rather than responding with "if you have a problem with it, you need to change what you're doing." It's all about compromise. Obviously one shouldn't compromise on serious personality traits or compromise who you are as an individual, but for the little things? It's not worth losing that person over.

Basically, stop being the individualistic thinker long enough to think of the relationship as a whole. It's the principle of the unstoppable force against an immovable object: it simply doesn't work. If one person asks for change and the other person is unwilling to budge, something has to give. The ideal relationship, in my mind, is one where growth and change happen individually but allow the two people to stay together.


I have quite a few friends who say they're "just not relationship people." To me, this is a complete and utter oxymoron, because humans were able to form and keep relationships from the time they were born. To me, this translates into: I haven't found someone I care enough about to really work at the relationship, or I still have issues that I need to work on personally before I can have a healthy and functional romantic relationship. If anyone would like to provide another plausible idea, I am more than happy to listen to it, but so far I haven't heard a good excuse.

I'm not bitter or anything.

 

Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you really feel about them. Be aware of how your actions reflect what you feel instead of just your words. Hold close the people that you truly and deeply care about. Because I don't believe that people were truly meant to lose those close relationships; it's simply a product of the society in which we live, our upbringing, and an inability to work with each other or improve ourselves as individuals and the relationship as a whole.

Also, never deny love where it exists, because denying this fact is worse than losing that connection.

;the people do.

Roller coaster ride

Does everyone lie to themselves at one point or another, or is that just one of my crowning achievements?

In one of my recent posts I mentioned having the courage to acknowledge and accept one's flaws. This one of my biggest flaws: that I can literally trick myself into not seeing the truth, or at least into hiding the truth from myself. This means that most of the time I'll be walking along enjoying life, when out of nowhere something that I've kept hidden takes that very peaceful moment to leap out and smack me over the head, not unkindly. It's thrown me for a few loops recently, and is one of the biggest things I've struggled with my whole life.

I recently heard a quote that went something like this,

"Life tests your pesseverance first by making nothing happen, then by making everything happen at once."
-Anonymous

Or, as my wonderful roommate so candidly put it, "when it rains it pours." That's how my life feels right now.

 

For the past two months while I was in Salt Lake City, UT, I was mostly focused on finding a job and getting my own place. I was essentially in survival mode. I knew that I needed to be able to support myself and my baby girl, Sadie, because as much as I love my family they have their own struggles that they have to deal with. 

Oddly enough, this week I had a lab meeting with the Psychology professor I worked for at the end of my college career; at the meeting we discussed acute stress versus chronic stress. Essentially, I was experiencing acute stress, and was solely focused on attaining food and shelter, the bare necessities.

Now that I am back in Tempe, AZ with a wonderful new job as a Behavioral Health Technician, a gig lined up as a non-ASU student Research Assistant, and my own room in a house that I share with three lovely men that has a doggy door for Sadie, the un-necessities (if you will) have started to creep up on me. For example, I have definitely focused more on strengthening and forming the friendships that I have here in Arizona, as well as working on myself to become a better person...but one huge, lurking thing is missing.

Love.

The girl I still love is no longer in my life. In fact, it recently became glaringly obvious to me that I actually lost her long before we actually broke up. And as much as I distracted myself with moving multiple times, spending time with family, job searches, apartment searches, and other such mind-numbing activities, I can't deny the truth anymore: I am nowhere near over her. I don't even know if I want to be over her. 

How is that possible? 

I'm the one who broke up with her...but not because I stopped loving her. I did it because she wasn't treating me the way that I deserved to be treated, and for whatever reason we couldn't communicate well enough to overcome the issues that plagued us. Not once did I doubt the love that we felt for each other. Is it foolish to hope that one day, after I've reflected and worked on myself just as much as she hopefully will, that we might cross paths and allow ourselves to be happy together? I definitely won't be holding my breath, but it's a nice little hope to hold onto. 

I honestly don't understand why we fall in love if it causes so much pain, and if it's not meant to work out. I used to believe that when you love someone, you give that relationship 110% of your effort, and you don't give up because that love is worth any pain it puts you through. As my very first post of this blog already explained, now I'm not so sure. I still believe in putting all of yourself into a relationship and working hard on the aspects that don't come easily (like communication and conflict resolution) but you have to love yourself before you can love another, which sometimes means saying goodbye to people we love in order to honor and respect ourselves.

Now, I try to keep these posts honest, thoughtful, and have some sort of positive message, so I apologize for this confused little stream of consciousness word vomit. I guess the take away point is this: no one can help the way they feel. In fact, our ability to reason and feel in ways that other mammals simply can't is what makes us humans. As painful as it may be at times, allowing ourselves to feel is the quickest and surest way I know to truly be alive. It's the fool proof way I know to feel connected to the world around us, because we have to know somewhere, deep down and in the back of our minds, that we're not alone in feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with struggling every now and then. We can't expect to reason with our feelings, because they're not reasonable at all. A balance has to be struck between what our heart feels and what our mind says is good for us in that moment.

Right now my heart and mind are teeter-tottering out of control.

PS: On a happy little side note, I have now received three notes from three separate people saying they appreciate this blog, so I'm glad that I'm reaching out to someone out there :). This shout out goes to a girl that I don't know very well, but who from the moment I met her possessed a very understanding heart, even though it wasn't expected or demanded of her. Don't let anyone else but you dictate what you do in your life or who you love.

Much love to the rest of you!

Accepting the bad along with the good

Can I just say how wonderful it is to be me?

My life went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye, so I haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on recent events and my role in them. May I also add that this is a wonderful and most welcome task. In fact, I'd been looking forward to the prospect of being alone and enjoying my own company (says she as her iPhone lights up with a text message). This is a state of being that most people should strive for; enjoying alone time.

However, as creatures living in a thriving, first world country we are constantly plagued with the need to achieve; we must do well in school, then we must do well in college so that we can land a good job and eventually lead a successful career. The emphasis is always placed on the future, although due attention is also paid to the past to learn from one's mistakes, but never does someone say, "remember to pay close attention to the present." Honestly, this is what people should be saying.

 If someone is constantly focused on how happy they'll be once they land that promotion, I guarantee that once they land said promotion they won't even have time to experience joy or pride because they'll already be looking towards their next goal.

It's good to simply sit down, acknowledge what you've accomplished in your life up until that point, and feel appreciation for yourself as an individual.

Now, as I'm spouting all of this "love thyself" and "acknowledge thyself," it sounds all well and dandy from the curtain of a computer screen. In reality, it's actually a very difficult process that requires a good amount of introspection. At times this can prove to be a cheerful endeavor, if you've done something you're particularly proud of, but other times it can prove to be excruciatingly painful, especially when we do things that surprise even ourselves.

Being able to acknowledge one's mistakes and shortcomings is one of the most liberating and necessary experiences I can think of.

No one ever wants to admit to having flaws. For some reason or other, a flaw seems to signify weakness, or people feel shame in revealing them to others or even to themselves. The irony in this statement is that only through vulnerability can people truly form connections with one another.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Have the courage to acknowledge your flaws, and rather than glorify them, highlight them, or ignore them completely, accept them. (For the record, by flaws I mean simple character flaws; I don't mean abusing people, because if that's the flaw you're struggling with then you should seek out a therapist to support you in your battle. That's not said with condescension or disgust, it's simply the truth.) 

Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and part of that beauty is the flaw or quirk that sets them apart from the rest. To quote Bret Michaels,

"Every rose has its thorn,
Just like every night has it's dawn."
-Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison

 

Life is too short

In my previous post, I commented that I'd only recently begun to appreciate the friendships that I have in my life. It is a very important aspect of any person's life, and one that I now cherish. Unfortunately, the flip side of this is weeding out the people who don't really care in order to spend your precious time wisely. In a fast paced world filled with deadlines, expectations, and especially technology, it's hard to tell whether someone is legitimately busy or just doesn't care enough to make the time of day for you.

So, I've created a list of clues or hints to help in this endeavor:

1) if they can't take the time to respond to a text or phone call yet constantly update their FaceBook / Instagram / Twitter, or some other form of social media (I won't even get into the social media etiquette; yes, it has its own rules),

2) if they constantly say "let's hang out!" but always seem to have plans at the last minute, or simply cancel for no apparent reason,

 3) if the other person is only interested in talking when they have a dilemma on their hands or need a ride somewhere,

4) if you're the only one asking the other person to hang out or suggesting fun grown-up playdates,

Now, I am very well aware of the fact that most of the people reading this will automatically jump to the defense of a friend they know who does one or more of these things. The excuses may be, "oh but they're tired after work," or "oh but they've had other things on their mind lately," and while this may be the case 10% of the time, if it happens repeatedly chances are they just have other priorities. So stop making excuses for people. Stop wasting the time trying to understand why it's happening (if they haven't already explained a valid reason to you, in which case be a good, patient friend) and spend time with people who actually make the effort to spend time with you.

It's surprising how different the value of relationships becomes when one does this.