Breaking the connection

Recently, I have been going through the process of dealing with a failed romantic relationship (in case it hasn't already become apparent) and have been there for friends as they go through the same process. And as I go through it, and support others in the endeavor, I have started to wonder one thing: are people meant to break connections with one another?

It's such a painful process to lose someone. There are all sorts of emotions involved during grieving: anger, sadness, regret, hope, relief, and not in that particular order. But why do people put themselves through this agony? From an evolutionary psychology perspective, humans originally formed relationships as a means of survival. In reality, we are such vulnerable creatures with our soft, delicate skin, and oh so intimidating fingernails as weapons, that we rely on safety in numbers and that ability to care and look out for one another. So in a very primal sense breaking those connections means almost certain death. Are we hard wired to fear that loss so intensely that we'll do anything to prevent it, and feel as if we're broken when we lose that connection?

However, logically we have to realize that letting someone go (a friendship, a romantic relationship, for whatever reason) won't kill us. It may hurt like hell, but we'll survive. Once again going back to a previous post, as much as we acknowledge that it doesn't change the pain.

So then, why do people break connections with one another all the time?

We live in a society that focuses more on the individual instead of the group; an individualistic society versus collectivist. It follows that most relationships end to benefit either one or both parties. And even though both parties will most likely move on with their lives, that loss still marks its presence on both hearts.

So I believe this is my idea:

Don't be stupid enough to lose that connection.

Most people say they didn't see it coming when someone breaks up with them, or when a friend suddenly stops returning phone calls. Well guess what, the harsh reality is that there were most likely plenty of signs (except in those 10% of cases when it may have been out of the blue) and you simply failed to notice them. 

If a friend approaches you with a concern, don't brush them off and say, "it's no big deal," because it may not seem like a big deal to you but they wouldn't be bringing it up if it didn't bother them.

If a girlfriend / boyfriend brings up a particular behavior that bothers them and asks you to work on it, keep an open mind to what they are saying, rather than responding with "if you have a problem with it, you need to change what you're doing." It's all about compromise. Obviously one shouldn't compromise on serious personality traits or compromise who you are as an individual, but for the little things? It's not worth losing that person over.

Basically, stop being the individualistic thinker long enough to think of the relationship as a whole. It's the principle of the unstoppable force against an immovable object: it simply doesn't work. If one person asks for change and the other person is unwilling to budge, something has to give. The ideal relationship, in my mind, is one where growth and change happen individually but allow the two people to stay together.


I have quite a few friends who say they're "just not relationship people." To me, this is a complete and utter oxymoron, because humans were able to form and keep relationships from the time they were born. To me, this translates into: I haven't found someone I care enough about to really work at the relationship, or I still have issues that I need to work on personally before I can have a healthy and functional romantic relationship. If anyone would like to provide another plausible idea, I am more than happy to listen to it, but so far I haven't heard a good excuse.

I'm not bitter or anything.

 

Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you really feel about them. Be aware of how your actions reflect what you feel instead of just your words. Hold close the people that you truly and deeply care about. Because I don't believe that people were truly meant to lose those close relationships; it's simply a product of the society in which we live, our upbringing, and an inability to work with each other or improve ourselves as individuals and the relationship as a whole.

Also, never deny love where it exists, because denying this fact is worse than losing that connection.

;the people do.