In one of my recent posts I mentioned having the courage to acknowledge and accept one's flaws. This one of my biggest flaws: that I can literally trick myself into not seeing the truth, or at least into hiding the truth from myself. This means that most of the time I'll be walking along enjoying life, when out of nowhere something that I've kept hidden takes that very peaceful moment to leap out and smack me over the head, not unkindly. It's thrown me for a few loops recently, and is one of the biggest things I've struggled with my whole life.
I recently heard a quote that went something like this,
"Life tests your pesseverance first by making nothing happen, then by making everything happen at once."
-Anonymous
Or, as my wonderful roommate so candidly put it, "when it rains it pours." That's how my life feels right now.
For the past two months while I was in Salt Lake City, UT, I was mostly focused on finding a job and getting my own place. I was essentially in survival mode. I knew that I needed to be able to support myself and my baby girl, Sadie, because as much as I love my family they have their own struggles that they have to deal with.
Oddly enough, this week I had a lab meeting with the Psychology professor I worked for at the end of my college career; at the meeting we discussed acute stress versus chronic stress. Essentially, I was experiencing acute stress, and was solely focused on attaining food and shelter, the bare necessities.
Now that I am back in Tempe, AZ with a wonderful new job as a Behavioral Health Technician, a gig lined up as a non-ASU student Research Assistant, and my own room in a house that I share with three lovely men that has a doggy door for Sadie, the un-necessities (if you will) have started to creep up on me. For example, I have definitely focused more on strengthening and forming the friendships that I have here in Arizona, as well as working on myself to become a better person...but one huge, lurking thing is missing.
Love.
The girl I still love is no longer in my life. In fact, it recently became glaringly obvious to me that I actually lost her long before we actually broke up. And as much as I distracted myself with moving multiple times, spending time with family, job searches, apartment searches, and other such mind-numbing activities, I can't deny the truth anymore: I am nowhere near over her. I don't even know if I want to be over her.
How is that possible?
I'm the one who broke up with her...but not because I stopped loving her. I did it because she wasn't treating me the way that I deserved to be treated, and for whatever reason we couldn't communicate well enough to overcome the issues that plagued us. Not once did I doubt the love that we felt for each other. Is it foolish to hope that one day, after I've reflected and worked on myself just as much as she hopefully will, that we might cross paths and allow ourselves to be happy together? I definitely won't be holding my breath, but it's a nice little hope to hold onto.
I honestly don't understand why we fall in love if it causes so much pain, and if it's not meant to work out. I used to believe that when you love someone, you give that relationship 110% of your effort, and you don't give up because that love is worth any pain it puts you through. As my very first post of this blog already explained, now I'm not so sure. I still believe in putting all of yourself into a relationship and working hard on the aspects that don't come easily (like communication and conflict resolution) but you have to love yourself before you can love another, which sometimes means saying goodbye to people we love in order to honor and respect ourselves.
Now, I try to keep these posts honest, thoughtful, and have some sort of positive message, so I apologize for this confused little stream of consciousness word vomit. I guess the take away point is this: no one can help the way they feel. In fact, our ability to reason and feel in ways that other mammals simply can't is what makes us humans. As painful as it may be at times, allowing ourselves to feel is the quickest and surest way I know to truly be alive. It's the fool proof way I know to feel connected to the world around us, because we have to know somewhere, deep down and in the back of our minds, that we're not alone in feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with struggling every now and then. We can't expect to reason with our feelings, because they're not reasonable at all. A balance has to be struck between what our heart feels and what our mind says is good for us in that moment.
Right now my heart and mind are teeter-tottering out of control.
PS: On a happy little side note, I have now received three notes from three separate people saying they appreciate this blog, so I'm glad that I'm reaching out to someone out there :). This shout out goes to a girl that I don't know very well, but who from the moment I met her possessed a very understanding heart, even though it wasn't expected or demanded of her. Don't let anyone else but you dictate what you do in your life or who you love.
Much love to the rest of you!
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