I made a promise to myself to not fear vulnerability, so I'll leave it all out there, the words that essentially followed my journey out of a toxic relationship. Because in the months that followed that last post, I did a lot of reflecting, but most importantly I took action. I decided to test my ideas, and in doing so reached out to my ex girlfriend. I wanted her in my life one way or another (of course I say this in hindsight, at the time I was trying to get her back) and more importantly wanted to see if she'd changed at all, since I'd changed so much over the previous months that I didn't feel like the same person at all.
She hadn't changed. And all the reasons I left her were still there, and still very valid. In fact, I was able to view the situation with such objectivity that I realized why things didn't work out. It wasn't the fault of any party involved...it simply didn't work. The mistakes made were in trying to stay together when we knew it wasn't the right thing to do, in trying to force something that wasn't there. Furthermore, although I don't wish her any ill will, still see her as a wonderful person, and want the best for her, in the end the constant of our relationship was that she brought me down and made me lose sight of who I am. So I left again, this time for good.
I am very hesitant to burn bridges in my life, because rather than just burn the bridge I annihilate the whole island. It's like a nuclear bomb falls on that person's role in my life and completely obliterates them. I blocked her number, cut contact with her closest friends (who I knew for a fact were updating her on my whereabouts and telling her things that I said), and decided to stop living in the past and wasting precious feelings on her.
And I've never felt better.
A) Unhappiness is not an enigma; it's a very simple way of knowing that something is wrong.
People were not meant to live in fear, pain, and doubt. There's nothing wrong with facing this unhappiness, acknowledging it, and doing something about it. Take action. Choose a course and stick to it. Know what you want and don't settle for anything less. Don't be afraid to walk away from something, whether it be a person or a situation, that doesn't work for you. In the end you're only doing yourself an injustice.
B) Energy cannot be created or destroyed, which also translates into relationships.
I believe the reason people have such a hard time letting go of past relationships is because those memories, those feelings, are permanently imprinted onto our brains and onto our beings. Yet somehow people expect those feelings, those memories, those sensory triggers to fade entirely, and when they don't begin to question if that person really was "the one."
However, the energy, the connection, that was created in the relationship cannot be destroyed, so instead it needs to be changed or channeled elsewhere. Whether that's towards a friendship, or towards hatred, or even towards mere acceptance of an eternal presence, it will never, ever, ever disappear completely. For example, I have accepted the fact that little things will always remind me of my ex. But just because those memories of faint feelings exist doesn't mean she's a person I want to or should have in my life.
C) Love is not the exciting roller coaster ride it's portrayed to be.
There are ups and downs to every relationship. However, if there's a constant state of uncertainty or unhappiness, then something is not right and chances are that relationship is not meant to last. Walking away does not imply weakness, nor does it destroy opportunity; if there truly is opportunity it will arise naturally.
True love exists in fulfillment. In being so satisfied with another person that, despite those ups and downs, despite arguments (which should be worked through in a healthy manner, which is ridiculously simple yet frustrating when people refuse to acknowledge the simplicity of it), despite moments of sadness, you feel utterly satisfied with their existence in your life. I believe this applies to any type of relationship.
Surround yourself with people like this, and it's amazing how quickly the unhappiness fades and peace settles in.
No comments:
Post a Comment