Looking back

It's been a while since I've written in this blog. In all honesty, I would love to metaphorically rip the pages from this online journal and burn them to harmless ash.

But I won't.

I made a promise to myself to not fear vulnerability, so I'll leave it all out there, the words that essentially followed my journey out of a toxic relationship. Because in the months that followed that last post, I did a lot of reflecting, but most importantly I took action. I decided to test my ideas, and in doing so reached out to my ex girlfriend. I wanted her in my life one way or another (of course I say this in hindsight, at the time I was trying to get her back) and more importantly wanted to see if she'd changed at all, since I'd changed so much over the previous months that I didn't feel like the same person at all.

She hadn't changed. And all the reasons I left her were still there, and still very valid. In fact, I was able to view the situation with such objectivity that I realized why things didn't work out. It wasn't the fault of any party involved...it simply didn't work. The mistakes made were in trying to stay together when we knew it wasn't the right thing to do, in trying to force something that wasn't there. Furthermore, although I don't wish her any ill will, still see her as a wonderful person, and want the best for her, in the end the constant of our relationship was that she brought me down and made me lose sight of who I am. So I left again, this time for good.

I am very hesitant to burn bridges in my life, because rather than just burn the bridge I annihilate the whole island. It's like a nuclear bomb falls on that person's role in my life and completely obliterates them. I blocked her number, cut contact with her closest friends (who I knew for a fact were updating her on my whereabouts and telling her things that I said), and decided to stop living in the past and wasting precious feelings on her.

And I've never felt better.

Which has lead me to believe a few different things.

A) Unhappiness is not an enigma; it's a very simple way of knowing that something is wrong.

People were not meant to live in fear, pain, and doubt. There's nothing wrong with facing this unhappiness, acknowledging it, and doing something about it. Take action. Choose a course and stick to it. Know what you want and don't settle for anything less. Don't be afraid to walk away from something, whether it be a person or a situation, that doesn't work for you. In the end you're only doing yourself an injustice.


B) Energy cannot be created or destroyed, which also translates into relationships.

I believe the reason people have such a hard time letting go of past relationships is because those memories, those feelings, are permanently imprinted onto our brains and onto our beings. Yet somehow people expect those feelings, those memories, those sensory triggers to fade entirely, and when they don't begin to question if that person really was "the one."

However, the energy, the connection, that was created in the relationship cannot be destroyed, so instead it needs to be changed or channeled elsewhere. Whether that's towards a friendship, or towards hatred, or even towards mere acceptance of an eternal presence, it will never, ever, ever disappear completely. For example, I have accepted the fact that little things will always remind me of my ex. But just because those memories of faint feelings exist doesn't mean she's a person I want to or should have in my life.

C) Love is not the exciting roller coaster ride it's portrayed to be.

There are ups and downs to every relationship. However, if there's a constant state of uncertainty or unhappiness, then something is not right and chances are that relationship is not meant to last. Walking away does not imply weakness, nor does it destroy opportunity; if there truly is opportunity it will arise naturally.

True love exists in fulfillment. In being so satisfied with another person that, despite those ups and downs, despite arguments (which should be worked through in a healthy manner, which is ridiculously simple yet frustrating when people refuse to acknowledge the simplicity of it), despite moments of sadness, you feel utterly satisfied with their existence in your life. I believe this applies to any type of relationship.






 Surround yourself with people like this, and it's amazing how quickly the unhappiness fades and peace settles in.

The equation for any and all relationships

It's official: I'm a late bloomer.

I fully internalized a concept the other day that I'm sure many people have already realized. There are only two types of people in romantic relationships; the disinterested ones, and the not so disinterested ones.

At least, that's how all relationships start out, from what I can see.

First, there's the person who acts disinterested. This is usually the person in the relationship who is chased, so to speak, because they are way too relaxed and outgoing to really pursue a relationship. They give off that air that says, "I could care less whether or not you give me your number", which of course makes people flock to them with the hope that they'll be that special exception to the disinterested facade.

Second, there are the not so disinterested ones. This is usually the person who is doing the chasing, so to speak, because they are incredibly attracted or drawn to the disinterested individual and are pursuing them with a vengeance. They give off that air that says, "ask me to jump and I'll respond with how high."

Now, before I continue allow myself to digress: I'm not an expert on relationships. These are simply observations that I've made through being on both sides of the equation.

Moving on.

Whether or not these two people actually end up together doesn't really have anything to do with who chases and who is chased. It all depends on the level of attraction. For example, if a disinterested party suddenly has someone chasing them that they start to develop feelings for, the overt attempts to woo them will seem endearing and charming. The same goes for the interested party; rather than seeming like a jerk, the person who acts disinterested just presents more of a challenge and is going to be really worth it in the end to the chaser.

However, it is my humble opinion that some people prefer to be chased and some people prefer to chase.

Why?

I have absolutely no idea. That's definitely food for thought for a later post.

But I have yet to see an instance when this formula cannot be applied to any romantic relationship. I dare you to come up with a specific, real life instance that defies this. Which of course begs the question, how the hell do people end up together? Relationships are so complicated, and feelings are so complicated, it is a complete wonder that people form them in the first place. I find myself continually amazed by the enigma that is "the relationship". I've been changing my views of love and relationships on a daily basis, as evidenced by this blog, and as evidenced by the fact that I'm pretty sure I've contradicted myself a few times over in these posts.

The one thing that I know for a fact, and stand behind, is that finding oneself in a loving relationship (stress the word loving) is something that should be cherished, because it really doesn't happen just any old day. Think about it. You're just one person. There are 6.4 billion people in the world. What are the odds of meeting another individual (whether the same sex or opposite sex, whether they're the same age, older, younger, or whatever you're into) who shares the exact same feelings that you do for them, and want the same things out of life when you meet. It's absolutely mind boggling and fact crushing. It's ugly yet beautiful. It's a blessing and a curse. It's the most annoying thing in the entire world but also the most interesting.

Love and appreciate every contradictory moment of it.

The best relationship I've ever had

A lot has been happening recently in my life.

It feels as if all of the loose ends are being tied off, which of course creates room for new random threads to be woven into the mix.

First of all, I decided that I finally needed to let go of my ex girlfriend so that I can move forward with my life. However, allow me to explain first what I mean by letting go. In the dictionary according to Ali, letting go means freeing oneself from past grievances, letting go of any guilt or pain from the past, and most importantly letting go of any and all expectations for the future. Apparently the way to do this for myself was to tell her that I still have feelings for her. Whether or not this was a smart decision remains to be seen, but I wouldn't change my actions for the world because it gave me exactly what I was looking for: closure.

I did not reach out to her with the goal or thought of getting back together, because I still remember all of the perfectly valid reasons we broke up. It was simply an acknowledgement and release of emotions; catharsis, if you will. She was my first love, which is not something that will ever change or lessen with time. She'll always be someone important to me for that reason, and as soon as I accepted this fact a weight lifted off of my metaphorical shoulders.

Ironically enough, the minute that I let her know this, I found myself in the best relationship I've ever had in my entire life...

...with myself.

 

I would say these events occurred simultaneously, for two reasons: a) I am a very honest person who decided to be brutally honest with the one person I always avoided...myself, and b) I am the type of person who believes that a moment should never pass without the people you love knowing how much they mean to you. So I accomplished both of these things in the same breath, thus living up to my own expectations and ideals, and forming a relationship with myself built on trust, respect, and compassion. 

As cliche as this sounds, it really is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

As a result, I've decided to take myself out at least once a week to do activities that I enjoy. What's first on the list? A very shnazzy art gallery about a man who photographs himself in pink tutus around the world to support his wife's fight against breast cancer.

Bob Carey: Ballerina 

After that, I'd like to take myself out to see The Perks of Being A Wallflower, because it stars Emma Watson and looks absolutely amazing.

The best part about these activities is that I'll be spending quality time with the one person who's guaranteed to be there for me through thick and thin, who won't ever abandon or leave me, and who will probably end up hurting me in the long run but will also do her best by me: myself.

No, I haven't gone crazy. Or if I have, maybe everyone should go a little crazy. Because it's honestly fulfilling, and in my mind essential to actually have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with another person.

Speaking of which, this post is going to be a little short because I need to be kind to my body and get a good night's rest, so I'll wrap it up.

I'm not encouraging anyone to get in touch with their ex and profess their love, nor even stay friends with their ex. If that's the type of person that you are, go for it. If you're the type of person who cuts off all contact with an ex in order to move on with your life, go for it. If you're not the relationship type, well I've already expressed my opinions about that so I won't go there. But I believe everyone should develop a relationship with themselves first so that you can honor and respect yourself with every decision you make in life.

Namaste.

Breaking the connection

Recently, I have been going through the process of dealing with a failed romantic relationship (in case it hasn't already become apparent) and have been there for friends as they go through the same process. And as I go through it, and support others in the endeavor, I have started to wonder one thing: are people meant to break connections with one another?

It's such a painful process to lose someone. There are all sorts of emotions involved during grieving: anger, sadness, regret, hope, relief, and not in that particular order. But why do people put themselves through this agony? From an evolutionary psychology perspective, humans originally formed relationships as a means of survival. In reality, we are such vulnerable creatures with our soft, delicate skin, and oh so intimidating fingernails as weapons, that we rely on safety in numbers and that ability to care and look out for one another. So in a very primal sense breaking those connections means almost certain death. Are we hard wired to fear that loss so intensely that we'll do anything to prevent it, and feel as if we're broken when we lose that connection?

However, logically we have to realize that letting someone go (a friendship, a romantic relationship, for whatever reason) won't kill us. It may hurt like hell, but we'll survive. Once again going back to a previous post, as much as we acknowledge that it doesn't change the pain.

So then, why do people break connections with one another all the time?

We live in a society that focuses more on the individual instead of the group; an individualistic society versus collectivist. It follows that most relationships end to benefit either one or both parties. And even though both parties will most likely move on with their lives, that loss still marks its presence on both hearts.

So I believe this is my idea:

Don't be stupid enough to lose that connection.

Most people say they didn't see it coming when someone breaks up with them, or when a friend suddenly stops returning phone calls. Well guess what, the harsh reality is that there were most likely plenty of signs (except in those 10% of cases when it may have been out of the blue) and you simply failed to notice them. 

If a friend approaches you with a concern, don't brush them off and say, "it's no big deal," because it may not seem like a big deal to you but they wouldn't be bringing it up if it didn't bother them.

If a girlfriend / boyfriend brings up a particular behavior that bothers them and asks you to work on it, keep an open mind to what they are saying, rather than responding with "if you have a problem with it, you need to change what you're doing." It's all about compromise. Obviously one shouldn't compromise on serious personality traits or compromise who you are as an individual, but for the little things? It's not worth losing that person over.

Basically, stop being the individualistic thinker long enough to think of the relationship as a whole. It's the principle of the unstoppable force against an immovable object: it simply doesn't work. If one person asks for change and the other person is unwilling to budge, something has to give. The ideal relationship, in my mind, is one where growth and change happen individually but allow the two people to stay together.


I have quite a few friends who say they're "just not relationship people." To me, this is a complete and utter oxymoron, because humans were able to form and keep relationships from the time they were born. To me, this translates into: I haven't found someone I care enough about to really work at the relationship, or I still have issues that I need to work on personally before I can have a healthy and functional romantic relationship. If anyone would like to provide another plausible idea, I am more than happy to listen to it, but so far I haven't heard a good excuse.

I'm not bitter or anything.

 

Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you really feel about them. Be aware of how your actions reflect what you feel instead of just your words. Hold close the people that you truly and deeply care about. Because I don't believe that people were truly meant to lose those close relationships; it's simply a product of the society in which we live, our upbringing, and an inability to work with each other or improve ourselves as individuals and the relationship as a whole.

Also, never deny love where it exists, because denying this fact is worse than losing that connection.

;the people do.

Roller coaster ride

Does everyone lie to themselves at one point or another, or is that just one of my crowning achievements?

In one of my recent posts I mentioned having the courage to acknowledge and accept one's flaws. This one of my biggest flaws: that I can literally trick myself into not seeing the truth, or at least into hiding the truth from myself. This means that most of the time I'll be walking along enjoying life, when out of nowhere something that I've kept hidden takes that very peaceful moment to leap out and smack me over the head, not unkindly. It's thrown me for a few loops recently, and is one of the biggest things I've struggled with my whole life.

I recently heard a quote that went something like this,

"Life tests your pesseverance first by making nothing happen, then by making everything happen at once."
-Anonymous

Or, as my wonderful roommate so candidly put it, "when it rains it pours." That's how my life feels right now.

 

For the past two months while I was in Salt Lake City, UT, I was mostly focused on finding a job and getting my own place. I was essentially in survival mode. I knew that I needed to be able to support myself and my baby girl, Sadie, because as much as I love my family they have their own struggles that they have to deal with. 

Oddly enough, this week I had a lab meeting with the Psychology professor I worked for at the end of my college career; at the meeting we discussed acute stress versus chronic stress. Essentially, I was experiencing acute stress, and was solely focused on attaining food and shelter, the bare necessities.

Now that I am back in Tempe, AZ with a wonderful new job as a Behavioral Health Technician, a gig lined up as a non-ASU student Research Assistant, and my own room in a house that I share with three lovely men that has a doggy door for Sadie, the un-necessities (if you will) have started to creep up on me. For example, I have definitely focused more on strengthening and forming the friendships that I have here in Arizona, as well as working on myself to become a better person...but one huge, lurking thing is missing.

Love.

The girl I still love is no longer in my life. In fact, it recently became glaringly obvious to me that I actually lost her long before we actually broke up. And as much as I distracted myself with moving multiple times, spending time with family, job searches, apartment searches, and other such mind-numbing activities, I can't deny the truth anymore: I am nowhere near over her. I don't even know if I want to be over her. 

How is that possible? 

I'm the one who broke up with her...but not because I stopped loving her. I did it because she wasn't treating me the way that I deserved to be treated, and for whatever reason we couldn't communicate well enough to overcome the issues that plagued us. Not once did I doubt the love that we felt for each other. Is it foolish to hope that one day, after I've reflected and worked on myself just as much as she hopefully will, that we might cross paths and allow ourselves to be happy together? I definitely won't be holding my breath, but it's a nice little hope to hold onto. 

I honestly don't understand why we fall in love if it causes so much pain, and if it's not meant to work out. I used to believe that when you love someone, you give that relationship 110% of your effort, and you don't give up because that love is worth any pain it puts you through. As my very first post of this blog already explained, now I'm not so sure. I still believe in putting all of yourself into a relationship and working hard on the aspects that don't come easily (like communication and conflict resolution) but you have to love yourself before you can love another, which sometimes means saying goodbye to people we love in order to honor and respect ourselves.

Now, I try to keep these posts honest, thoughtful, and have some sort of positive message, so I apologize for this confused little stream of consciousness word vomit. I guess the take away point is this: no one can help the way they feel. In fact, our ability to reason and feel in ways that other mammals simply can't is what makes us humans. As painful as it may be at times, allowing ourselves to feel is the quickest and surest way I know to truly be alive. It's the fool proof way I know to feel connected to the world around us, because we have to know somewhere, deep down and in the back of our minds, that we're not alone in feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with struggling every now and then. We can't expect to reason with our feelings, because they're not reasonable at all. A balance has to be struck between what our heart feels and what our mind says is good for us in that moment.

Right now my heart and mind are teeter-tottering out of control.

PS: On a happy little side note, I have now received three notes from three separate people saying they appreciate this blog, so I'm glad that I'm reaching out to someone out there :). This shout out goes to a girl that I don't know very well, but who from the moment I met her possessed a very understanding heart, even though it wasn't expected or demanded of her. Don't let anyone else but you dictate what you do in your life or who you love.

Much love to the rest of you!

Accepting the bad along with the good

Can I just say how wonderful it is to be me?

My life went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye, so I haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on recent events and my role in them. May I also add that this is a wonderful and most welcome task. In fact, I'd been looking forward to the prospect of being alone and enjoying my own company (says she as her iPhone lights up with a text message). This is a state of being that most people should strive for; enjoying alone time.

However, as creatures living in a thriving, first world country we are constantly plagued with the need to achieve; we must do well in school, then we must do well in college so that we can land a good job and eventually lead a successful career. The emphasis is always placed on the future, although due attention is also paid to the past to learn from one's mistakes, but never does someone say, "remember to pay close attention to the present." Honestly, this is what people should be saying.

 If someone is constantly focused on how happy they'll be once they land that promotion, I guarantee that once they land said promotion they won't even have time to experience joy or pride because they'll already be looking towards their next goal.

It's good to simply sit down, acknowledge what you've accomplished in your life up until that point, and feel appreciation for yourself as an individual.

Now, as I'm spouting all of this "love thyself" and "acknowledge thyself," it sounds all well and dandy from the curtain of a computer screen. In reality, it's actually a very difficult process that requires a good amount of introspection. At times this can prove to be a cheerful endeavor, if you've done something you're particularly proud of, but other times it can prove to be excruciatingly painful, especially when we do things that surprise even ourselves.

Being able to acknowledge one's mistakes and shortcomings is one of the most liberating and necessary experiences I can think of.

No one ever wants to admit to having flaws. For some reason or other, a flaw seems to signify weakness, or people feel shame in revealing them to others or even to themselves. The irony in this statement is that only through vulnerability can people truly form connections with one another.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Have the courage to acknowledge your flaws, and rather than glorify them, highlight them, or ignore them completely, accept them. (For the record, by flaws I mean simple character flaws; I don't mean abusing people, because if that's the flaw you're struggling with then you should seek out a therapist to support you in your battle. That's not said with condescension or disgust, it's simply the truth.) 

Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and part of that beauty is the flaw or quirk that sets them apart from the rest. To quote Bret Michaels,

"Every rose has its thorn,
Just like every night has it's dawn."
-Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison

 

Life is too short

In my previous post, I commented that I'd only recently begun to appreciate the friendships that I have in my life. It is a very important aspect of any person's life, and one that I now cherish. Unfortunately, the flip side of this is weeding out the people who don't really care in order to spend your precious time wisely. In a fast paced world filled with deadlines, expectations, and especially technology, it's hard to tell whether someone is legitimately busy or just doesn't care enough to make the time of day for you.

So, I've created a list of clues or hints to help in this endeavor:

1) if they can't take the time to respond to a text or phone call yet constantly update their FaceBook / Instagram / Twitter, or some other form of social media (I won't even get into the social media etiquette; yes, it has its own rules),

2) if they constantly say "let's hang out!" but always seem to have plans at the last minute, or simply cancel for no apparent reason,

 3) if the other person is only interested in talking when they have a dilemma on their hands or need a ride somewhere,

4) if you're the only one asking the other person to hang out or suggesting fun grown-up playdates,

Now, I am very well aware of the fact that most of the people reading this will automatically jump to the defense of a friend they know who does one or more of these things. The excuses may be, "oh but they're tired after work," or "oh but they've had other things on their mind lately," and while this may be the case 10% of the time, if it happens repeatedly chances are they just have other priorities. So stop making excuses for people. Stop wasting the time trying to understand why it's happening (if they haven't already explained a valid reason to you, in which case be a good, patient friend) and spend time with people who actually make the effort to spend time with you.

It's surprising how different the value of relationships becomes when one does this.