The equation for any and all relationships

It's official: I'm a late bloomer.

I fully internalized a concept the other day that I'm sure many people have already realized. There are only two types of people in romantic relationships; the disinterested ones, and the not so disinterested ones.

At least, that's how all relationships start out, from what I can see.

First, there's the person who acts disinterested. This is usually the person in the relationship who is chased, so to speak, because they are way too relaxed and outgoing to really pursue a relationship. They give off that air that says, "I could care less whether or not you give me your number", which of course makes people flock to them with the hope that they'll be that special exception to the disinterested facade.

Second, there are the not so disinterested ones. This is usually the person who is doing the chasing, so to speak, because they are incredibly attracted or drawn to the disinterested individual and are pursuing them with a vengeance. They give off that air that says, "ask me to jump and I'll respond with how high."

Now, before I continue allow myself to digress: I'm not an expert on relationships. These are simply observations that I've made through being on both sides of the equation.

Moving on.

Whether or not these two people actually end up together doesn't really have anything to do with who chases and who is chased. It all depends on the level of attraction. For example, if a disinterested party suddenly has someone chasing them that they start to develop feelings for, the overt attempts to woo them will seem endearing and charming. The same goes for the interested party; rather than seeming like a jerk, the person who acts disinterested just presents more of a challenge and is going to be really worth it in the end to the chaser.

However, it is my humble opinion that some people prefer to be chased and some people prefer to chase.

Why?

I have absolutely no idea. That's definitely food for thought for a later post.

But I have yet to see an instance when this formula cannot be applied to any romantic relationship. I dare you to come up with a specific, real life instance that defies this. Which of course begs the question, how the hell do people end up together? Relationships are so complicated, and feelings are so complicated, it is a complete wonder that people form them in the first place. I find myself continually amazed by the enigma that is "the relationship". I've been changing my views of love and relationships on a daily basis, as evidenced by this blog, and as evidenced by the fact that I'm pretty sure I've contradicted myself a few times over in these posts.

The one thing that I know for a fact, and stand behind, is that finding oneself in a loving relationship (stress the word loving) is something that should be cherished, because it really doesn't happen just any old day. Think about it. You're just one person. There are 6.4 billion people in the world. What are the odds of meeting another individual (whether the same sex or opposite sex, whether they're the same age, older, younger, or whatever you're into) who shares the exact same feelings that you do for them, and want the same things out of life when you meet. It's absolutely mind boggling and fact crushing. It's ugly yet beautiful. It's a blessing and a curse. It's the most annoying thing in the entire world but also the most interesting.

Love and appreciate every contradictory moment of it.

The best relationship I've ever had

A lot has been happening recently in my life.

It feels as if all of the loose ends are being tied off, which of course creates room for new random threads to be woven into the mix.

First of all, I decided that I finally needed to let go of my ex girlfriend so that I can move forward with my life. However, allow me to explain first what I mean by letting go. In the dictionary according to Ali, letting go means freeing oneself from past grievances, letting go of any guilt or pain from the past, and most importantly letting go of any and all expectations for the future. Apparently the way to do this for myself was to tell her that I still have feelings for her. Whether or not this was a smart decision remains to be seen, but I wouldn't change my actions for the world because it gave me exactly what I was looking for: closure.

I did not reach out to her with the goal or thought of getting back together, because I still remember all of the perfectly valid reasons we broke up. It was simply an acknowledgement and release of emotions; catharsis, if you will. She was my first love, which is not something that will ever change or lessen with time. She'll always be someone important to me for that reason, and as soon as I accepted this fact a weight lifted off of my metaphorical shoulders.

Ironically enough, the minute that I let her know this, I found myself in the best relationship I've ever had in my entire life...

...with myself.

 

I would say these events occurred simultaneously, for two reasons: a) I am a very honest person who decided to be brutally honest with the one person I always avoided...myself, and b) I am the type of person who believes that a moment should never pass without the people you love knowing how much they mean to you. So I accomplished both of these things in the same breath, thus living up to my own expectations and ideals, and forming a relationship with myself built on trust, respect, and compassion. 

As cliche as this sounds, it really is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

As a result, I've decided to take myself out at least once a week to do activities that I enjoy. What's first on the list? A very shnazzy art gallery about a man who photographs himself in pink tutus around the world to support his wife's fight against breast cancer.

Bob Carey: Ballerina 

After that, I'd like to take myself out to see The Perks of Being A Wallflower, because it stars Emma Watson and looks absolutely amazing.

The best part about these activities is that I'll be spending quality time with the one person who's guaranteed to be there for me through thick and thin, who won't ever abandon or leave me, and who will probably end up hurting me in the long run but will also do her best by me: myself.

No, I haven't gone crazy. Or if I have, maybe everyone should go a little crazy. Because it's honestly fulfilling, and in my mind essential to actually have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with another person.

Speaking of which, this post is going to be a little short because I need to be kind to my body and get a good night's rest, so I'll wrap it up.

I'm not encouraging anyone to get in touch with their ex and profess their love, nor even stay friends with their ex. If that's the type of person that you are, go for it. If you're the type of person who cuts off all contact with an ex in order to move on with your life, go for it. If you're not the relationship type, well I've already expressed my opinions about that so I won't go there. But I believe everyone should develop a relationship with themselves first so that you can honor and respect yourself with every decision you make in life.

Namaste.

Breaking the connection

Recently, I have been going through the process of dealing with a failed romantic relationship (in case it hasn't already become apparent) and have been there for friends as they go through the same process. And as I go through it, and support others in the endeavor, I have started to wonder one thing: are people meant to break connections with one another?

It's such a painful process to lose someone. There are all sorts of emotions involved during grieving: anger, sadness, regret, hope, relief, and not in that particular order. But why do people put themselves through this agony? From an evolutionary psychology perspective, humans originally formed relationships as a means of survival. In reality, we are such vulnerable creatures with our soft, delicate skin, and oh so intimidating fingernails as weapons, that we rely on safety in numbers and that ability to care and look out for one another. So in a very primal sense breaking those connections means almost certain death. Are we hard wired to fear that loss so intensely that we'll do anything to prevent it, and feel as if we're broken when we lose that connection?

However, logically we have to realize that letting someone go (a friendship, a romantic relationship, for whatever reason) won't kill us. It may hurt like hell, but we'll survive. Once again going back to a previous post, as much as we acknowledge that it doesn't change the pain.

So then, why do people break connections with one another all the time?

We live in a society that focuses more on the individual instead of the group; an individualistic society versus collectivist. It follows that most relationships end to benefit either one or both parties. And even though both parties will most likely move on with their lives, that loss still marks its presence on both hearts.

So I believe this is my idea:

Don't be stupid enough to lose that connection.

Most people say they didn't see it coming when someone breaks up with them, or when a friend suddenly stops returning phone calls. Well guess what, the harsh reality is that there were most likely plenty of signs (except in those 10% of cases when it may have been out of the blue) and you simply failed to notice them. 

If a friend approaches you with a concern, don't brush them off and say, "it's no big deal," because it may not seem like a big deal to you but they wouldn't be bringing it up if it didn't bother them.

If a girlfriend / boyfriend brings up a particular behavior that bothers them and asks you to work on it, keep an open mind to what they are saying, rather than responding with "if you have a problem with it, you need to change what you're doing." It's all about compromise. Obviously one shouldn't compromise on serious personality traits or compromise who you are as an individual, but for the little things? It's not worth losing that person over.

Basically, stop being the individualistic thinker long enough to think of the relationship as a whole. It's the principle of the unstoppable force against an immovable object: it simply doesn't work. If one person asks for change and the other person is unwilling to budge, something has to give. The ideal relationship, in my mind, is one where growth and change happen individually but allow the two people to stay together.


I have quite a few friends who say they're "just not relationship people." To me, this is a complete and utter oxymoron, because humans were able to form and keep relationships from the time they were born. To me, this translates into: I haven't found someone I care enough about to really work at the relationship, or I still have issues that I need to work on personally before I can have a healthy and functional romantic relationship. If anyone would like to provide another plausible idea, I am more than happy to listen to it, but so far I haven't heard a good excuse.

I'm not bitter or anything.

 

Never pass up an opportunity to tell someone how you really feel about them. Be aware of how your actions reflect what you feel instead of just your words. Hold close the people that you truly and deeply care about. Because I don't believe that people were truly meant to lose those close relationships; it's simply a product of the society in which we live, our upbringing, and an inability to work with each other or improve ourselves as individuals and the relationship as a whole.

Also, never deny love where it exists, because denying this fact is worse than losing that connection.

;the people do.

Roller coaster ride

Does everyone lie to themselves at one point or another, or is that just one of my crowning achievements?

In one of my recent posts I mentioned having the courage to acknowledge and accept one's flaws. This one of my biggest flaws: that I can literally trick myself into not seeing the truth, or at least into hiding the truth from myself. This means that most of the time I'll be walking along enjoying life, when out of nowhere something that I've kept hidden takes that very peaceful moment to leap out and smack me over the head, not unkindly. It's thrown me for a few loops recently, and is one of the biggest things I've struggled with my whole life.

I recently heard a quote that went something like this,

"Life tests your pesseverance first by making nothing happen, then by making everything happen at once."
-Anonymous

Or, as my wonderful roommate so candidly put it, "when it rains it pours." That's how my life feels right now.

 

For the past two months while I was in Salt Lake City, UT, I was mostly focused on finding a job and getting my own place. I was essentially in survival mode. I knew that I needed to be able to support myself and my baby girl, Sadie, because as much as I love my family they have their own struggles that they have to deal with. 

Oddly enough, this week I had a lab meeting with the Psychology professor I worked for at the end of my college career; at the meeting we discussed acute stress versus chronic stress. Essentially, I was experiencing acute stress, and was solely focused on attaining food and shelter, the bare necessities.

Now that I am back in Tempe, AZ with a wonderful new job as a Behavioral Health Technician, a gig lined up as a non-ASU student Research Assistant, and my own room in a house that I share with three lovely men that has a doggy door for Sadie, the un-necessities (if you will) have started to creep up on me. For example, I have definitely focused more on strengthening and forming the friendships that I have here in Arizona, as well as working on myself to become a better person...but one huge, lurking thing is missing.

Love.

The girl I still love is no longer in my life. In fact, it recently became glaringly obvious to me that I actually lost her long before we actually broke up. And as much as I distracted myself with moving multiple times, spending time with family, job searches, apartment searches, and other such mind-numbing activities, I can't deny the truth anymore: I am nowhere near over her. I don't even know if I want to be over her. 

How is that possible? 

I'm the one who broke up with her...but not because I stopped loving her. I did it because she wasn't treating me the way that I deserved to be treated, and for whatever reason we couldn't communicate well enough to overcome the issues that plagued us. Not once did I doubt the love that we felt for each other. Is it foolish to hope that one day, after I've reflected and worked on myself just as much as she hopefully will, that we might cross paths and allow ourselves to be happy together? I definitely won't be holding my breath, but it's a nice little hope to hold onto. 

I honestly don't understand why we fall in love if it causes so much pain, and if it's not meant to work out. I used to believe that when you love someone, you give that relationship 110% of your effort, and you don't give up because that love is worth any pain it puts you through. As my very first post of this blog already explained, now I'm not so sure. I still believe in putting all of yourself into a relationship and working hard on the aspects that don't come easily (like communication and conflict resolution) but you have to love yourself before you can love another, which sometimes means saying goodbye to people we love in order to honor and respect ourselves.

Now, I try to keep these posts honest, thoughtful, and have some sort of positive message, so I apologize for this confused little stream of consciousness word vomit. I guess the take away point is this: no one can help the way they feel. In fact, our ability to reason and feel in ways that other mammals simply can't is what makes us humans. As painful as it may be at times, allowing ourselves to feel is the quickest and surest way I know to truly be alive. It's the fool proof way I know to feel connected to the world around us, because we have to know somewhere, deep down and in the back of our minds, that we're not alone in feeling these emotions and thinking these thoughts. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with struggling every now and then. We can't expect to reason with our feelings, because they're not reasonable at all. A balance has to be struck between what our heart feels and what our mind says is good for us in that moment.

Right now my heart and mind are teeter-tottering out of control.

PS: On a happy little side note, I have now received three notes from three separate people saying they appreciate this blog, so I'm glad that I'm reaching out to someone out there :). This shout out goes to a girl that I don't know very well, but who from the moment I met her possessed a very understanding heart, even though it wasn't expected or demanded of her. Don't let anyone else but you dictate what you do in your life or who you love.

Much love to the rest of you!

Accepting the bad along with the good

Can I just say how wonderful it is to be me?

My life went from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye, so I haven't had much time to sit down and reflect on recent events and my role in them. May I also add that this is a wonderful and most welcome task. In fact, I'd been looking forward to the prospect of being alone and enjoying my own company (says she as her iPhone lights up with a text message). This is a state of being that most people should strive for; enjoying alone time.

However, as creatures living in a thriving, first world country we are constantly plagued with the need to achieve; we must do well in school, then we must do well in college so that we can land a good job and eventually lead a successful career. The emphasis is always placed on the future, although due attention is also paid to the past to learn from one's mistakes, but never does someone say, "remember to pay close attention to the present." Honestly, this is what people should be saying.

 If someone is constantly focused on how happy they'll be once they land that promotion, I guarantee that once they land said promotion they won't even have time to experience joy or pride because they'll already be looking towards their next goal.

It's good to simply sit down, acknowledge what you've accomplished in your life up until that point, and feel appreciation for yourself as an individual.

Now, as I'm spouting all of this "love thyself" and "acknowledge thyself," it sounds all well and dandy from the curtain of a computer screen. In reality, it's actually a very difficult process that requires a good amount of introspection. At times this can prove to be a cheerful endeavor, if you've done something you're particularly proud of, but other times it can prove to be excruciatingly painful, especially when we do things that surprise even ourselves.

Being able to acknowledge one's mistakes and shortcomings is one of the most liberating and necessary experiences I can think of.

No one ever wants to admit to having flaws. For some reason or other, a flaw seems to signify weakness, or people feel shame in revealing them to others or even to themselves. The irony in this statement is that only through vulnerability can people truly form connections with one another.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Have the courage to acknowledge your flaws, and rather than glorify them, highlight them, or ignore them completely, accept them. (For the record, by flaws I mean simple character flaws; I don't mean abusing people, because if that's the flaw you're struggling with then you should seek out a therapist to support you in your battle. That's not said with condescension or disgust, it's simply the truth.) 

Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and part of that beauty is the flaw or quirk that sets them apart from the rest. To quote Bret Michaels,

"Every rose has its thorn,
Just like every night has it's dawn."
-Every Rose Has Its Thorn, Poison

 

Life is too short

In my previous post, I commented that I'd only recently begun to appreciate the friendships that I have in my life. It is a very important aspect of any person's life, and one that I now cherish. Unfortunately, the flip side of this is weeding out the people who don't really care in order to spend your precious time wisely. In a fast paced world filled with deadlines, expectations, and especially technology, it's hard to tell whether someone is legitimately busy or just doesn't care enough to make the time of day for you.

So, I've created a list of clues or hints to help in this endeavor:

1) if they can't take the time to respond to a text or phone call yet constantly update their FaceBook / Instagram / Twitter, or some other form of social media (I won't even get into the social media etiquette; yes, it has its own rules),

2) if they constantly say "let's hang out!" but always seem to have plans at the last minute, or simply cancel for no apparent reason,

 3) if the other person is only interested in talking when they have a dilemma on their hands or need a ride somewhere,

4) if you're the only one asking the other person to hang out or suggesting fun grown-up playdates,

Now, I am very well aware of the fact that most of the people reading this will automatically jump to the defense of a friend they know who does one or more of these things. The excuses may be, "oh but they're tired after work," or "oh but they've had other things on their mind lately," and while this may be the case 10% of the time, if it happens repeatedly chances are they just have other priorities. So stop making excuses for people. Stop wasting the time trying to understand why it's happening (if they haven't already explained a valid reason to you, in which case be a good, patient friend) and spend time with people who actually make the effort to spend time with you.

It's surprising how different the value of relationships becomes when one does this.

What mange/anime taught me

Sometimes I feel like a late bloomer.

It feels as though I start to grasp and internalize things that other people take for granted as common knowledge. For example, until very recently I didn't have much time or effort for "friends." I had bad experiences with friends growing up, so having friends never felt safe to me; one's guard always needed to be up which, ironically, is not the true definition of friendship. It wasn't until very recently that I truly appreciated the people in my life, and have put forth a lot of effort to strengthen those existing friendships and reach out to create new ones. Because the truth is I love people. They are quirky, they are different, and they are all so endearingly original.

Which brings me to my next great realization: everyone has something different to offer, which should be cherished in it's own way.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. 
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 
Actually, who are you not to be? [...]
Your playing small does not serve the world. 
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 
We are all meant to shine, as children do. [...]
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

It was only after I began to truly appreciate the people around me that I began to understand this concept. For a long time, I had a hard time comparing myself to other people; it was a mix of misguided competition and a sense of unworthiness. It felt as if everyone else had something that I didn't, something that made them stand out as a leader, or as a good friend, or as a successful student. It took time, but eventually I stopped comparing myself to other people, and simply took a long hard look at the person I was versus the person that I wanted to be. Through this effort (and believe me, it wasn't a sudden realization, but more like an uphill trek) I truly learned to believe, to my very core, that I am worthy and deserving of love and everything else this world has to offer.

Oddly enough, just as the poem prophesies, as soon as I felt this I was able to appreciate the authenticity in other people.

It's amazing to see what people can accomplish. For example, I have a friend who has the uncanny ability to attract people to her. She possesses so much warmth and so much charisma that people can't help but want to be around her. I have another friend who has the organizational skills of a person twice her age. She has so much mental focus and discipline that she can put everything into place, should she so desire. I have yet another friend who has such amazing listening skills that he usually has people opening up to him soon after they meet. Sometimes it's not even a describable characteristic, but a feeling of gratitude for knowing this person. And somehow, in acknowledging what they have to offer, I am reminded of that special something that only I can bring to the table.

It reminds me of so many mangas/animes that I grew up with (and am still fiercely loyal to).

In essence, there's always a team of people who attempt to reach a common goal. Even though there's usually one "leader" (a person who possesses leadership qualities; I don't even know how to define it, but everyone knows someone like this),

that leader wouldn't be around if not for the people surrounding him/her. Everyone has their part to play, such as offering a refreshing breeze of simple and uncomplicated camaraderie,

or offering a different perspective on a situation, which may involve using reason to temper impulsive decisions.

Not just that, but each person has a different strength that is both acknowledged and valued by the team.

However, in today's society, it seems that there are a certain number of qualities and skills that are considered highly desirable to be successful in anything and everything: assertiveness, being charismatic, being outgoing, possessing good social skills and communication skills, and of course having an attractive face helps. As admirable as these qualities rightfully are, having their own place and purpose, making them the ideal leaves out appreciation for a wonderfully diverse group of people. For example, while being outgoing is generally more encouraged, introverts offer a lot of insight that an extrovert might have missed.

(     Susan Cain: the power of introverts
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts.html     )

Also, in some situations (especially when dealing cross-culturally) being assertive can seem intimidating or downright rude, so a person with a more passive demeanor would be strongly appreciated. Furthermore, there are times when being charismatic is exactly the opposite of what the situation demands (such as trying to garner information inconspicuously, or other such covert operations) which increases the need for someone unobtrusive.

Basically, each person in this world has a gift inside them that can be a boon to everyone around them, as long as they're given the freedom and permission to do so.

Thank god anime exists to help teach such important life lessons late at night (early in the morning?).

Oh, and a special shout out goes to a great guy! You know who you are. ;) Thanks for the support.

Every little bit counts...

To quote Dragonforce (one of my favorite bands of all time),

"When I see this humanity and the evil that they have come to be,
We've come to the point of no return and you beg for just...

One more time to escape from all this madness
One more time to be set free from all this sadness
And one last time to be the one who understands..."

- My Spirit Will Go On (form their album Sonic Firestorm)

In an attempt to feel more connected to the world around me, I have adopted the habit of reading the news almost every night (from several different news sources; I usually go to NPR, Yahoo, and NBCnews) and find myself feeling these words. To be honest, when I talk to a lot of my friends about the news the typical response is, "I don't want to read it, it's depressing." Well, that used to be me as well. While there are some heart warming stories,

NY bus driver catches girl with autism, 7, in three-story plunge
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/07/17/12786112-ny-bus-driver-catches-girl-7-in-three-story-plunge?lite

more often than not there are stories that make your heart heavy and wonder how anyone could ever do such a thing.

Friends reel from shooting of teen lesbian couple in Texas
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/06/26/12419818-friends-reel-from-shooting-of-teen-lesbian-couple-in-texas?lite

The simple truth is that this is the word in which we live, and there's no use hiding from it because it exists all around us. To ignore this is to turn your back on the people going through it.

The best antidote to this poisonous reality is merely to accept it, without judgment or blame, and attempt to take the good with the bad. Whenever I read international news, I feel humbled and blessed (because it is purely due to luck) that I was born in the US, a leading world power. It's true that we have issues to face here, such as the abuse and neglect of children, those individuals and families living under the poverty line, the ongoing issue of equal rights for the LGBTQ community, and the national economic recession among others. But aside from the individuals and families living in poverty, these problems do not affect our chances for survival. In fact, the FBI released their preliminary annual uniform crime report (http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/preliminary-annual-ucr-jan-dec-2011) and found that the number of violent crimes brought to their attention in 2011 had dropped 4% compared to 2010. 

Compare this to Syria, where civil war has erupted and thousands of refugees have already fled the city of Aleppo,

Opposition: Saturday is deadliest day in Syrian civil war
http://www.cnn.com/2012/08/25/world/meast/syria-civil-war/index.html

and tell me you don't feel grateful that you don't have to worry about bombs raining down on your head, or soldiers bursting into your home and threatening your family.

Yet, at the very same time, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the people in Aleppo who fear for their lives experience just as much pain as the father who doesn't know if he can put food on the table for his family, or the woman who doesn't know if she'll be able to visit her partner's sick bed to say goodbye, or the child who is afraid to go home after school. It's a different kind of pain, and should never be compared.

So instead of being depressed by the news, try to think of it in a different way; look at the news as a way to connect with the rest of the world; with the rest of your country; for a chance to feel compassion for other people's pain,

AIDS epidemic in sub-saharan Africa

http://www.globalissues.org/article/90/aids-in-africa

for a chance to rejoice in their triumphs,

NY legalizes same-sex marriage

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/25/nyregion/gay-marriage-approved-by-new-york-senate.html?pagewanted=all

and to walk a day in their shoes. 

With this in mind, I come to the point of this article...even though I'm one of those people who's googling how to get involved to help the refugees in Syria, that doesn't mean everyone has to take the same route. In fact, the best thing anyone can do for others is be kind.

Even though it seems like such a basic principle, it's surprising how little it actually gets put into practice. When's the last time you can think of that you felt your spirit lift because you took a second out of your day to smile into the eyes of a stranger? When's the last time you felt your own worries melt away because you stopped to see if that person with a broken down car on the side of the road needed help? When's the last time you grinned from ear to ear because you held open a door for a woman juggling two kids on either hip and bags full of groceries? Put yourself out there! Don't be afraid to form a genuine human connection, even if it's only for a split second, because I guarantee that split second will affect the remaining hours of your day. 

So in essence, we have no idea what other people are going through in their own lives, so just be kind to everyone you meet; every little bit counts. 

The Romantic Generation X: A Blessing and a Curse

Alright, so I recently broke up with my ex-girlfriend and during the process afterwards I had a lot of time on my hands to think about love and relationships. Furthermore, a lot of my friends broke up with their significant others around the same time, which gave me ample relationships to dissect. These are my findings.

First, the idea of marrying for love and romance is still a relatively new idea. In older generations (we're talking 1920's through the 1970's) one married for convenience or, in women's cases, one married for stability. But thanks to the sexual revolution in the '70s, and the movement towards women's equality, society shifted away from arranged marriages or "marriages of convenience" and towards marriage for the sake of love and romance. Now, most people in our generation would say this is a superb idea....

But is it really? (don't get your panties in a knot just yet.)

With the idea of marrying for love comes the advent of "the one," or the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. In this frame of mind, it seems as if love is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and if you miss it's subtle call or mess it up, it's lost forever. One strike you're out, buddy. It is my personal opinion that this is why people torture themselves by staying in relationships longer than they should, or by trying to get back together and make things work after they've already broken up. It's the idea that if you love someone, you make it work no matter what, regardless of the pain it causes you, regardless of all the issues that you face, and, ultimately, regardless of how unhappy you feel. Because as long as you're in love, it doesn't matter how much you change or sacrifice for the other person. In fact, the more sacrifice the better!

Note: I am all for working hard for a relationship; communication and conflict resolution don't come naturally to most couples. But simple aspects of a relationship like affection, being intimate, and wanting to spend time together shouldn't be work. It should happen naturally, without the added help of weight loss programs, biting your tongue, or any other alteration to your personality.

Finally, it has been my observation that the equation for the perfect girl or guy goes something like this: smart, funny, kind, and beautiful. Such simple, shallow adjectives, but they seem to be the most basic building blocks for what people look for in a mate. Don't lie, you've probably stated a desire for these qualities in a girlfriend/boyfriend at least one time or another, or maybe are still looking for the perfect combination of the four. But what do these words even mean? Smart...smarter than you? Smart enough to keep up with you? Smart enough to acknowledge you as the god/goddess of the universe and worship the ground you walk on? Or smart in the sense of style? Funny...what kind of humor? Dark? Dry? Slap stick? Sarcastic? Kind...to whom? Kindness towards all creatures, as in not stepping on or killing little bugs? Kindness towards oneself? And beautiful...need I even go there? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder (cliche, but true).

The truth is, you can't know what you want from another person in a relationship until you know yourself. Only then can you deeply grasp the things that you need from another person to satisfy or fulfill you in the relationship. But knowing yourself is only the first step: being able to admit who you are, and what you need, is the next and by far the hardest step of all to take.

Why, you ask, is this so hard?

Well, if you lose "the one," your opportunity for love and happiness are gone, so you have to do all you can to keep that person and to make them happy.

So I take your view of love and raise you mine. Love is not finite. Love does not need to be validated by pain. Love does not understand time. Love does not judge whether or not you've "messed up." Love does not refuse to change, but flourishes and grows. Everyone is deserving of love, and therefore love does not discriminate.  It's the people in love who act in these ways.

 (Couldn't resist a Wicked plug here ^_^ -squealslikeasmallchid-)

Furthermore, whatever happened to the concept of "dating" to get to know the other person before jumping into a committed relationship? The practice of courtship and dalliance seems to be pretty much dead nowadays (cheers to those people out there who shake their fists and proudly proclaim "nuh uh!"). That, or people who test the waters before getting involved are considered "players." But there is nothing wrong with taking the time to get to know someone to see how well you get along.  In my mind, the perfect romantic relationship occurs when the other person compliments you so well that you only need to be yourself around them to feel loved. That's it. So take the time to get past the rose colored glasses (while immensely enjoying the phase of puppy love where your beloved can do no wrong) and see if the other person really has what you need for a long-term relationship. Because only by letting your inner self show can that person who fits you most perfectly find you. Otherwise, how can you know if the pieces fit if they're not all on the table?

For example, there is a general "dating knowledge" (as I like to call it) which basically exists as a ton of guidelines for individuals starting a romantic relationship. Some of these guidelines go like this; "don't be clingy, you'll scare the other person away." If they're scared, let them run! Some people love that their partner can't keep their hands off of them. Or "don't put out on the first date, they'll think you're easy." (First of all, the only things "easy" should describe are how you like your eggs done, and what level you want your work-out to be at; never should it be placed on someone like a label.) The flip side of that is they might think you're not interested in them. "If he/she brings up some sexual act other than straight up peen to vag intercourse, you know he/she is a sex maniac" or "if she brings up anything other than scissoring, she's creepy"' or "if he brings up anything but straight (hah hah) up peen to butt sex, he's psycho." Note: having different sexual tastes does not equal sexual deviant. Go for it; some people like that kinky shit.

So basically, if you're a clingy person, be clingy and find that person you can sink your sticky little fingers into. Or, if you absolutely positively need your space to make a relationship work, be as detached as you need and find someone who can enjoy the distance in love and respect. If you're a sexual person who likes to get down on the first date, own it and make sure you find someone who can satisfy your sexual appetite. On the flip side, if you want to wait until marriage, own it just as hard and find someone who's happy to wait. And if you're into different sex acts, don't be afraid to speak up about it and find someone who either matches your interests or accepts you and loves you for it.

There, I said it. People are different, which means they require different things from a relationship. Don't be afraid to acknowledge who you are, own who you are, and stand up for what you need.